So, after my last post, I kind of got the feeling like people were concerned. For my safety, specifically.
Sorry to everyone who got scared, freaked out, etc. by the things I wrote. That wasn’t my intention and I just want to say the fact you reached out means a lot. Writing is my therapy, always has been, and perhaps that’s the first time you read something in that vein over here.
I want to clear the air and reboot a little bit because the concern actually shocked me. But then I went back and re-read the post and, yeah, I can see how some folks might have been wondering about my mental state.
I’m not, however, sorry for sharing the post because it was something (is something) I felt needed off my chest and in a very publicly shared way.
You should probably know that my mental state is basically fucked all the time.
No exaggeration, I pretty much think like that most days at some point or another. A common occurrence since I was ten or eleven years old. I call it the curse of the creative.
I need to feel things. Everything. Enhanced emotions are what keep me working. When’s the last time you read a book where the characters never experienced anything? Never cried, screamed, flung their arms around the one they love to tackle them to the floor?
I tap into my highs and lows on a daily basis in order to craft my worlds.
Last week’s blog post was a reflection of that deep seeded personality trait bubbling up into my world. That’s all. I swear, if you pulled out my journals from any year of my life since age 14 you would be amazed at how much of that super dark shit comes out.
I don’t often share that kind of raw emotion over here but on that particular day it was something I felt I needed to do.
I’m not defending it, don’t feel I owe anyone an explanation per se but I at least wanted everyone to know that I am a-okay.
But you should also know that I still feel the same. Still frustrated, still a bit lost. But I will find my way and appreciate all the hands I have to hold on the way. Love you all!
Now, in an effort to flip-flop right over to the other side of my self-diagnosed bipolarity, I thought it would be fun to share something here that I haven’t done in a long time.
Nail art! (See ya dudes…)
I’ve been getting back into it lately, watching (read: binging like a zombie) YouTube videos about anything and everything under the sun. So last week while I was working on this manicure:
I decided to give a bunch of different styles a little practice. Since I have a silicone nail art mat I decided all of the designs would be something I could lay down to save until I did my mani this week. And it worked to create a skittle manicure (meaning all fingers are different).
I’m calling it Cohesive Color Chaos.
None of them came out perfect, far from it, but I had a lot of fun creating each of the designs, keeping an eye on the color theory of the full manicure, making sure the two hands were balanced (for example, if I did a white/teal/iridescent on one hand I did the same on the other in a different design), and learning which are my favorite techniques.
So far, I’m not a big fan of water marbling, am only a partial fan of freehand, and love stamping.
Without further ado, here’s the mani in full detail by finger then a mashup of the two hands so you can see what it looks like all together.
First, here’s the mat with most of the self-created decals laid down.
The two on my pinky fingers were supposed to be those pink and white ones but they crumbled a bit and I had to use some backups.
Now here are the nails as I see them, from left to right, starting with the pinky on my left hand.
Water marble with glow in the dark
Freehand sunglasses and letters
More attempts at water marble
Freehand flamingo with acrylic paints
And here are both hands side-by-side. What do you think?
Personally? I love the mani, not as thrilled with my application. Some of them are already starting to peel up in the corners (applied Saturday) and I’m sure it’s because my nails are so C curved that the decal just didn’t bond with the base coat of polish I laid down.
No biggie, I’ll keep practicing and get better at some of these techniques.
Bottom line, this fun, upbeat girl is who I am today (and every day). It’s just that some days she has to let the darkness surface.
Just like nail polish, I have to let something sucky take the lead every once in a while and share that fail with the world. Because that lets me remove the layers and get back to my natural starting point. The clean slate of my nails and my brain.
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In addition to this drivel I also write books, both fiction and non-fiction.
Learn more on my author page.