Lately I have been doing a lot more cooking and I tend to be the one to wash dishes and such because Matt has begun working about 65 hours a week at his office, but I am mostly working from home. This is typical of our relationship; we do not really speak about things that need to be done and one of us just ends up picking up the slack when the other can not do so. Sadly in our case that is usually Matt so I guess it is only fair it is my turn to take over the household. Regardless of this current situation, in no sense of the word would anyone ever refer to me as “domestic”. I suppose what proves my point more so is the fact I feel the need to put the word into what would be air quotes if we were having this conversation face to face. Yeah I am definitely annoying air quote girl; this is the part where most of you rejoice that you have never met me. But I digress.
Although I love pasta and sauce and really feel it is the only thing I actually cook reasonably well, it can not be the menu every night so I have begun branching out to new territory for interesting meals that are not too involved (read: too involved will ensure I burn the house down when I forget it is in the oven because something shiny caught my eye and all attention is off the kitchen. This shiny something is likely to be a football game or Facebook). When shopping a few weeks ago I had the gumption to purchase a bunch of pre-packaged items and blend them together to create my own version of baked enchiladas.
Here’s the general gist for making about 10 enchiladas: cook a cup of brown rice stovetop (not really cooking -- rice in a pan and let it sit there 40 or so minutes, easy!), coat the bottom of a 13x9 pan with about a third of a can of green Verde sauce, brown ground turkey with chopped onion & set aside (tofu, chicken, beef, whatever your preference!), mix a half jar of salsa into the rice, open up a can of refried beans, spread layer of beans in center of flour tortilla, top with turkey, rice & a five finger pinch of shredded cheese, fold in sides & roll tortilla, put in pan fold side down & make sure to coat the ends with the sauce, cover the top with a bit of the sauce & sprinkle cheese on top, bake at 350 for about 35 minutes uncovered, top with sour cream and salsa or guacamole if you like. They actually came out freaking fantastic so I told my sister about them one night on the phone.
Let us all remember that Wendy lives in Arizona. Let us also remember that she can cook and makes a mean homemade salsa. Let us finally remember that people in the northeast are not exactly proximate to real Mexican food so although they may have been a nice mix of canned and packaged food-like products, their authenticity was not entirely on the level. So as I finish telling her about them she says “Yeah, my friend calls those Gringolatas.” I laughed for about a full minute because it was not at all ironic how perfect a name Gringolata was for the happy concoction I had just conceived! I loved it; I told her I was stealing it immediately. *
Cooking at home has meant a lot more cookies, a lot less money spent on food but also tragically, a lot more dishes which I really hate doing. I guess the tradeoff is spending all our money for the convenience of having someone else clean up our dinner mess. Considering I would never object at hiring a maid to clean our tiny apartment, the idea is not all that foreign to me. In the end I know I will manage the best I can but a girl can dream. I must emphatically point out however, no matter what slack I am picking up by baking up some yummy meals or running a vacuum across the living room rug, there are some things this girl will never do and as I explained to my sister in law last week, Matt’s laundry is definitely one of them.
*Check out the Urban Dictionary entry for Gringo
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
I Am Working On a Time Machine
Anyone who went to grammar school here in the United States heard one of the most famous lines ever:
“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue”
Had the good Captain crossed land as opposed to the great big sea he might have ended up landing where he intended to, The East Indies, instead of The Bahamas. After returning home Columbus no doubt ran around telling tales of how fabulous a place he discovered full of wonderful topography, gorgeous sunshine, blue skies and possibly even native people chillin’ in flip flops with some cocoa butter oil.
Word of this mystical and magical place, mistaken for the land of the spices they desired to trade, plausibly spread like wild fire all over Europe upon his return home. Whispers of a wondrous place, somewhere to build a fabulous life free of religious persecution, eventually made their way to the Pilgrims who gleefully hauled ass out of the eastern mid-coast of England for this beautiful place where they could start this free, new life.
The reason I am building a time machine is because I plan to go back to roughly 1610 with a big piece of laminated paper and a roll of duct tape. The paper will have a message written on it. The duct tape will be used to stick the page permanently to Plymouth Rock. The page will read something like this:
Dear Pilgrims,
You are roughly 1,530 miles too far north. Get back in your ships and follow the coast south until you hit a warm and wonderful placed named Miami. Please advise, should you decide to scoff at my suggestion roughly 75% of you are not going to make it another six months because it is going to sneak up on you just how cold it really does get here and I know there is no possible way you brought enough jackets, gloves, hats, mittens or wool socks; the village ladies definitely do not knit that fast. I warn you, it is inhuman here during the season known as winter. People should not needlessly be subjected to such harsh reality known as snow, slush, ice, frozen lungs, icicles for hair or frostbite. Those last words probably have not yet been invented but take it from me, it is not a pretty sight. Subsequently you will also be responsible for screwing over approximately 54,680,626 people as everyone begins to procreate just to stay warm and the population explodes over the next 400 years. Oh yes, there will be that many idiots who decide to remain here despite your early warning signs; better known as your rapidly dropping numbers. For some reason unknown, many, many, many morons will decide they must battle against this merciless, ruthless and brutal place just to prove they can. Only the smart will get out and take their chances on the open plains as they race for the gold; a substance known in these parts as the ever elusive warmth of the sun. That all comes later though. For now I will simply offer the same advice that the voice in the basement of every horror movie does: GET OUT. Please do not be the idiot who curiously goes into the cellar anyway even though three quarters of their friends have died tragic deaths.
Sincerely,
The suckers who somehow got stuck here after you people made the mistake to stay.
“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue”
Had the good Captain crossed land as opposed to the great big sea he might have ended up landing where he intended to, The East Indies, instead of The Bahamas. After returning home Columbus no doubt ran around telling tales of how fabulous a place he discovered full of wonderful topography, gorgeous sunshine, blue skies and possibly even native people chillin’ in flip flops with some cocoa butter oil.
Word of this mystical and magical place, mistaken for the land of the spices they desired to trade, plausibly spread like wild fire all over Europe upon his return home. Whispers of a wondrous place, somewhere to build a fabulous life free of religious persecution, eventually made their way to the Pilgrims who gleefully hauled ass out of the eastern mid-coast of England for this beautiful place where they could start this free, new life.
The reason I am building a time machine is because I plan to go back to roughly 1610 with a big piece of laminated paper and a roll of duct tape. The paper will have a message written on it. The duct tape will be used to stick the page permanently to Plymouth Rock. The page will read something like this:
Dear Pilgrims,
You are roughly 1,530 miles too far north. Get back in your ships and follow the coast south until you hit a warm and wonderful placed named Miami. Please advise, should you decide to scoff at my suggestion roughly 75% of you are not going to make it another six months because it is going to sneak up on you just how cold it really does get here and I know there is no possible way you brought enough jackets, gloves, hats, mittens or wool socks; the village ladies definitely do not knit that fast. I warn you, it is inhuman here during the season known as winter. People should not needlessly be subjected to such harsh reality known as snow, slush, ice, frozen lungs, icicles for hair or frostbite. Those last words probably have not yet been invented but take it from me, it is not a pretty sight. Subsequently you will also be responsible for screwing over approximately 54,680,626 people as everyone begins to procreate just to stay warm and the population explodes over the next 400 years. Oh yes, there will be that many idiots who decide to remain here despite your early warning signs; better known as your rapidly dropping numbers. For some reason unknown, many, many, many morons will decide they must battle against this merciless, ruthless and brutal place just to prove they can. Only the smart will get out and take their chances on the open plains as they race for the gold; a substance known in these parts as the ever elusive warmth of the sun. That all comes later though. For now I will simply offer the same advice that the voice in the basement of every horror movie does: GET OUT. Please do not be the idiot who curiously goes into the cellar anyway even though three quarters of their friends have died tragic deaths.
Sincerely,
The suckers who somehow got stuck here after you people made the mistake to stay.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dew You Like My Nuts?
This past weekend Matt and I finally got a chance to get up to his Aunt and Uncle’s place in Vermont. The house is located on Mt. Snow and the Dew Tour was in town that weekend, the first time it had ever come to the east coast so it was pretty exciting. We were both looking forward to spending some time with the family and really happy to do so somewhere other than a wedding or a funeral; it did not hurt that they have a hot tub on the back deck and Aunt T really did not have to twist my arm too hard at the promise of spiked hot chocolate. Matt’s primary objective was to ski for the first time in about three years. My primary objective with skiing is to never do it again.
As far back as I can remember I fervently made a declaration that I would never get on a pair of skis. I could not understand why someone would feel compelled to lock themselves on two pieces of fiberglass and then fling their body down the side of a mountain at a billion miles an hour while simultaneously trying to avoid falling on their face and attempting to steer clear of crashing into trees. Maneuvering is further complicated by the fact that the person is bundled up in thermal underwear, a long sleeve shirt, sweater, jacket, scarf, mittens, goggles, boots…ugh, forget it, I am tired just writing out the list never mind spending the forty minutes it takes to get into all that gear. But despite my objections, a few years ago I decided that life is too short to say words like never so I agreed to go with Matt and S & B to give it a try. I figured if it turned out to be something I enjoyed, well, that might just make the winters here feel a bit less sucky.
We went up to Pats Peak because it was fairly close and not the most enormous mountain so everyone would get in a full day of a bunch of runs. Of course we began the day on the bunny trail. I did well on the rope tow; it was fine to be dragged up, it was the coming down part that did not gel well in my brain. As six year olds whizzed past me screaming “on your right!” I attempted a couple tries at weaving back and forth across the trail and not killing anyone at the bottom when I felt as if I would never stop moving. After a few runs they all felt I was ready for a chair lift and who was I to argue? Since the first time I ever skied was that morning how was I to know that most people either A) do not attempt this feat on their first time out or B) fall either getting on the lift, off, or both.
S explained the finer points of the chair lift on our way over to the base. She indicated that it would come up behind us and that I should just let it bump me into sitting; to not fight it. Sounded easy enough and boom, we were on our way up without falling. As we rode up to the top where it was literally 4 degrees that day (I have since been told these are neither normal or ideal skiing conditions), she explained to me how to get out of the chair -- tips up slightly, don’t cross them and let the chair give me the gliding push I needed to safely get out of the way of the people coming up in the next chair. I was relieved to find out that I was not deposited directly onto a ski trail from the chair as I had feared. So the little snow bump arrived and up went my tips. I managed to glide right over to the flat area at the top of the trail and stop to wait for Matt and B.
All three of them dropped their jaw and through my ear muffs, scarf, hat and hood I am pretty sure I heard them mention something like they had all fallen their first time off a chair lift and that I was doing really good. I really can not be sure though, the wind was an added sound buffer. So now came the super fun part where I had to get back down to the bottom and believe me, I remembered exactly how long it took in that chair to get to the top so I was not encouraged. They told me to “pizza” my skis without crossing the tips (or I would fall over) and bend my knees in to stop. Oh, ok, that sounds easy enough and I had come this far so what was the worst that could happen right?
The sound buffer must have blocked out that part where one of my knees should be slightly in front of the other in order to really slow down because I never once felt as if I did and immediately knew I was going to be in a race to the bottom -- I would not breath again until I was on flat ground so could I make it before I turned blue? Here is what went through my mind on that first run down the nice wide green trail:
“Oh fuck.”
“Holy crap, do not hit that tree!”
“TURN you stupid freaking skis! TURN!”
“Holy shit there are trees over there too!”
“TURN! TURN! TURN!”
“Oh my stars I swear this mountain was shorter on the way up.”
“Matt must have taken out a life insurance policy on me.”
“Oh fuck.”
I reached the bottom and exhaled the only thing that kept me alive. My friends reached me and I am not joking that, basically, they said:
“Holy shit are you sure you have never skied before? You were swishing back and forth like a pro and kicking up snow off the back of your skis like it was no thing. Yeah, bad at skiing my ass.”
Somehow in the light headedness from my hysterical laughter at their completely incorrect assessment of my “abilities”, which I like to refer to as flailing wildly out of control of my own body, as well as the fact that I somehow managed to live on my first run, I miraculously found myself back on the chair lift and doing that little swishing dance of death two more times that day. The one and only time I fell was on my final run and I did it on purpose so I didn’t mow over the family of four who decided to spend their break in the middle of the trail. Damn them.
In the car on the way home they were all so excited about my performance and said how they couldn’t wait to get me back out again and gee, wasn’t I so excited by how great skiing was. Luckily we had lowered altitude by this point and my brain cells kicked back in so I was aware enough to understand that the feeling I had on the way down was not one I ever desired to experience again. But at least I tried it to know for sure.
To this day they all still try to convince me that it was the icy snow or the freezing temperatures that made me feel uncomfortable but to me, planting my butt on the nice warm leather sofa, sipping spiked hot chocolate and watching the ShamWow TV sales guy chop cashews and make statements like “You’re going to love my nuts” while laughing with Matt’s Aunt is about as extreme as I will get in the snow. That hot tub on the other hand, well that is just nice no matter how much effort I did not exert.
As far back as I can remember I fervently made a declaration that I would never get on a pair of skis. I could not understand why someone would feel compelled to lock themselves on two pieces of fiberglass and then fling their body down the side of a mountain at a billion miles an hour while simultaneously trying to avoid falling on their face and attempting to steer clear of crashing into trees. Maneuvering is further complicated by the fact that the person is bundled up in thermal underwear, a long sleeve shirt, sweater, jacket, scarf, mittens, goggles, boots…ugh, forget it, I am tired just writing out the list never mind spending the forty minutes it takes to get into all that gear. But despite my objections, a few years ago I decided that life is too short to say words like never so I agreed to go with Matt and S & B to give it a try. I figured if it turned out to be something I enjoyed, well, that might just make the winters here feel a bit less sucky.
We went up to Pats Peak because it was fairly close and not the most enormous mountain so everyone would get in a full day of a bunch of runs. Of course we began the day on the bunny trail. I did well on the rope tow; it was fine to be dragged up, it was the coming down part that did not gel well in my brain. As six year olds whizzed past me screaming “on your right!” I attempted a couple tries at weaving back and forth across the trail and not killing anyone at the bottom when I felt as if I would never stop moving. After a few runs they all felt I was ready for a chair lift and who was I to argue? Since the first time I ever skied was that morning how was I to know that most people either A) do not attempt this feat on their first time out or B) fall either getting on the lift, off, or both.
S explained the finer points of the chair lift on our way over to the base. She indicated that it would come up behind us and that I should just let it bump me into sitting; to not fight it. Sounded easy enough and boom, we were on our way up without falling. As we rode up to the top where it was literally 4 degrees that day (I have since been told these are neither normal or ideal skiing conditions), she explained to me how to get out of the chair -- tips up slightly, don’t cross them and let the chair give me the gliding push I needed to safely get out of the way of the people coming up in the next chair. I was relieved to find out that I was not deposited directly onto a ski trail from the chair as I had feared. So the little snow bump arrived and up went my tips. I managed to glide right over to the flat area at the top of the trail and stop to wait for Matt and B.
All three of them dropped their jaw and through my ear muffs, scarf, hat and hood I am pretty sure I heard them mention something like they had all fallen their first time off a chair lift and that I was doing really good. I really can not be sure though, the wind was an added sound buffer. So now came the super fun part where I had to get back down to the bottom and believe me, I remembered exactly how long it took in that chair to get to the top so I was not encouraged. They told me to “pizza” my skis without crossing the tips (or I would fall over) and bend my knees in to stop. Oh, ok, that sounds easy enough and I had come this far so what was the worst that could happen right?
The sound buffer must have blocked out that part where one of my knees should be slightly in front of the other in order to really slow down because I never once felt as if I did and immediately knew I was going to be in a race to the bottom -- I would not breath again until I was on flat ground so could I make it before I turned blue? Here is what went through my mind on that first run down the nice wide green trail:
“Oh fuck.”
“Holy crap, do not hit that tree!”
“TURN you stupid freaking skis! TURN!”
“Holy shit there are trees over there too!”
“TURN! TURN! TURN!”
“Oh my stars I swear this mountain was shorter on the way up.”
“Matt must have taken out a life insurance policy on me.”
“Oh fuck.”
I reached the bottom and exhaled the only thing that kept me alive. My friends reached me and I am not joking that, basically, they said:
“Holy shit are you sure you have never skied before? You were swishing back and forth like a pro and kicking up snow off the back of your skis like it was no thing. Yeah, bad at skiing my ass.”
Somehow in the light headedness from my hysterical laughter at their completely incorrect assessment of my “abilities”, which I like to refer to as flailing wildly out of control of my own body, as well as the fact that I somehow managed to live on my first run, I miraculously found myself back on the chair lift and doing that little swishing dance of death two more times that day. The one and only time I fell was on my final run and I did it on purpose so I didn’t mow over the family of four who decided to spend their break in the middle of the trail. Damn them.
In the car on the way home they were all so excited about my performance and said how they couldn’t wait to get me back out again and gee, wasn’t I so excited by how great skiing was. Luckily we had lowered altitude by this point and my brain cells kicked back in so I was aware enough to understand that the feeling I had on the way down was not one I ever desired to experience again. But at least I tried it to know for sure.
To this day they all still try to convince me that it was the icy snow or the freezing temperatures that made me feel uncomfortable but to me, planting my butt on the nice warm leather sofa, sipping spiked hot chocolate and watching the ShamWow TV sales guy chop cashews and make statements like “You’re going to love my nuts” while laughing with Matt’s Aunt is about as extreme as I will get in the snow. That hot tub on the other hand, well that is just nice no matter how much effort I did not exert.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
How to Tell if You're from Massachusetts
A friend of mine who now lives in sunny Florida sent this to me in email this morning. I proceeded to laugh hysterically at almost everything in this list but I noticed that some of it is out of date or missing critical information so it seemed appropriate to share it with everyone and make notes as needed. All you Mass-holes will understand a lot of this and most of you, whether from Massachusetts or not, will completely get why #1 is in fact #1.
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
This is generally in the right lane. The left lane is for people going too slow at 90. Especially on the Mass Pike.
3. When ordering a tonic, you say a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park, Pleasure Island or Water Country as a kid.
Extra bonus points if you are singing the Water Country theme song in your head right now.
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
This is crap. No one enjoys driving around rotaries, it is just a fact of life here so we deal with it but no one really understands how to do it correctly, we just hold on for dear life and pray we don't crash.
6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.
Yeah that's ...O, P, Q, AH, S, T...
Of course we also add it where it does not belong such as when saying pizza (peetzer) or aunt (arnt).
7. Your social security number starts with a zero.
8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.
In a car, on foot or by the T.
9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
Sadly this is the single truest statement in this entire list. In April I move mine to the trunk & then in September it lives on the floor in the backseat for the next seven months because you just never know.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
That’s Reveah and Dot thank you very much.
12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
Bonus points for his nickname.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January.
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
Extra bonus points if you sent your older sibling to one when you were still in High School.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus and you know how to pronounce Seamus.
I would also like to add any name that ends in a y -- Mikey, Timmy, Tommy, Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, etc. Bonus points if you know someone named Sully and it’s not their first name.
27. McLobster = McCrap
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
Or your sister’s ex boyfriend.
29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, 'Ah, screw ‘em.'
This is mostly because you know there is no way you will ever encounter this person again because they will be so lost they could never find you.
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes.
Yeah and it really isn’t that Good of a time.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'
38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park.
Even my Mom has been to Fenway so yes, this is accurate.
40. You've gone to at least one party at UMass.
Which campus? Oh wait, that is rhetorical I suppose.
41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.
Or bumper sticker, mug, pin, poster…
42. You know what a Frappe is.
Hands down Brigham’s has the best black & whites anywhere in Boston.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn .....'
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
It is called do not look the other driver in the eye, step on the gas and merge!
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
No, not think. You know they are.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
Almost every Sunday with my Dad for a boat load of years we went to Lanes ‘N Games in Cambridge on Rt. 2 and played candlepin. Those are some of the best memories ever, he taught me how to throw a ball without lobbing it and without twisting my wrist so maybe I could get a strike. As we got older it was an occasional fun spot for us to hang at with friends because we could take the bus to Magnolia Street, walk across Thorndike Field and cross the highway via the walking overpass to land right in the parking lot. This is where I fell in love with Pac Man, and pin ball machines.
57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
58. You know where Scollay Square once stood and what is there now.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.
61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that route 128 and 495 is some kind of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
Or a school field trip if the teacher was particularly adventurous.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
Wait, is the Big Dig finished?
66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'
Or ‘Guy’.
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
And probably call them Murph.
69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
Yes and refer to #22 for how to maintain the buzz once you get there.
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'
78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
And the Red Sox World Series parade. Both of them.
79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
Oh man, Godzilla was the best.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
Not in my house.
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
And it doesn’t work because they all drive here too and know all the tricks.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
At least they used to. Most of them are gone now which is such a bummer because this was a regular afternoon of fun with friends in High School.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
Banks and hair dressers too.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there is no wind - then it gets wicked cold.
It is not uncommon in the eastern part of the state at least to see people walking around in shorts when it is in the 30’s. Of course they are also wearing a sweater and windbreaker (Red Sox of course).
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
I have pictures of the Garden from the old Expressway when it used to be above ground and cut right through the middle of the city. There was a Budweiser billboard out front that read ‘Thanks for the Memories’.
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
Well what it was anyway. Now it is just a bunch of gorgeous brownstones worth a billion each.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
Yup, do this every couple weeks in fact.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
This is not optional here, you have to or else you will never get anywhere.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City!' means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filenes, Grants, Bradlees, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
Or Caldor.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
This is generally in the right lane. The left lane is for people going too slow at 90. Especially on the Mass Pike.
3. When ordering a tonic, you say a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park, Pleasure Island or Water Country as a kid.
Extra bonus points if you are singing the Water Country theme song in your head right now.
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
This is crap. No one enjoys driving around rotaries, it is just a fact of life here so we deal with it but no one really understands how to do it correctly, we just hold on for dear life and pray we don't crash.
6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.
Yeah that's ...O, P, Q, AH, S, T...
Of course we also add it where it does not belong such as when saying pizza (peetzer) or aunt (arnt).
7. Your social security number starts with a zero.
8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.
In a car, on foot or by the T.
9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
Sadly this is the single truest statement in this entire list. In April I move mine to the trunk & then in September it lives on the floor in the backseat for the next seven months because you just never know.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
That’s Reveah and Dot thank you very much.
12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
Bonus points for his nickname.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January.
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
Extra bonus points if you sent your older sibling to one when you were still in High School.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus and you know how to pronounce Seamus.
I would also like to add any name that ends in a y -- Mikey, Timmy, Tommy, Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, etc. Bonus points if you know someone named Sully and it’s not their first name.
27. McLobster = McCrap
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
Or your sister’s ex boyfriend.
29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, 'Ah, screw ‘em.'
This is mostly because you know there is no way you will ever encounter this person again because they will be so lost they could never find you.
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes.
Yeah and it really isn’t that Good of a time.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'
38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park.
Even my Mom has been to Fenway so yes, this is accurate.
40. You've gone to at least one party at UMass.
Which campus? Oh wait, that is rhetorical I suppose.
41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.
Or bumper sticker, mug, pin, poster…
42. You know what a Frappe is.
Hands down Brigham’s has the best black & whites anywhere in Boston.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn .....'
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
It is called do not look the other driver in the eye, step on the gas and merge!
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
No, not think. You know they are.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
Almost every Sunday with my Dad for a boat load of years we went to Lanes ‘N Games in Cambridge on Rt. 2 and played candlepin. Those are some of the best memories ever, he taught me how to throw a ball without lobbing it and without twisting my wrist so maybe I could get a strike. As we got older it was an occasional fun spot for us to hang at with friends because we could take the bus to Magnolia Street, walk across Thorndike Field and cross the highway via the walking overpass to land right in the parking lot. This is where I fell in love with Pac Man, and pin ball machines.
57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
58. You know where Scollay Square once stood and what is there now.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.
61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that route 128 and 495 is some kind of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
Or a school field trip if the teacher was particularly adventurous.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
Wait, is the Big Dig finished?
66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'
Or ‘Guy’.
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
And probably call them Murph.
69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
Yes and refer to #22 for how to maintain the buzz once you get there.
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'
78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
And the Red Sox World Series parade. Both of them.
79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
Oh man, Godzilla was the best.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
Not in my house.
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
And it doesn’t work because they all drive here too and know all the tricks.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
At least they used to. Most of them are gone now which is such a bummer because this was a regular afternoon of fun with friends in High School.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
Banks and hair dressers too.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there is no wind - then it gets wicked cold.
It is not uncommon in the eastern part of the state at least to see people walking around in shorts when it is in the 30’s. Of course they are also wearing a sweater and windbreaker (Red Sox of course).
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
I have pictures of the Garden from the old Expressway when it used to be above ground and cut right through the middle of the city. There was a Budweiser billboard out front that read ‘Thanks for the Memories’.
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
Well what it was anyway. Now it is just a bunch of gorgeous brownstones worth a billion each.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
Yup, do this every couple weeks in fact.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
This is not optional here, you have to or else you will never get anywhere.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City!' means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filenes, Grants, Bradlees, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
Or Caldor.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.
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